Lawn Rake w/ Wooden Handle, Famously Used to Beat Cheating Husband – $35 OBO

Some of you may be thinking that $35 for a used lawn rake is asking a little much, but this isn’t any ordinary rake, this rake is a piece of Internet history. This is the rake I used to beat my POS cheating ex-husband into submission in the popular Youtube video, Woman Teaches Cheating Husband a Lesson, which has been viewed nearly 2.3 million times. To be clear, international notoriety aside, this is also a highly functional rake. This past fall, before it/we went viral, I raked my front and back yard and did a really great job of it thanks to this rake, which is quite impressive considering the many large maple trees we have around the house. It was a lot of work but it had to be done, because Ken sure as hell wasn’t going to do it. He was “busy” with other “things.” “Things” being that turd Jessamine from the HR department at his work.

In honour of being transparent, unlike Ken when I first asked him if he was having an affair, I will admit that the rake is missing a few teeth. You can see at about 1:56 of the Youtube video, that when I wail on Ken with the rake as he’s turtled up against one of the maple trees, a few of the teeth get stuck in his back flesh and break off. That’s actually the moment he makes the weird, banshee-esque squealing sound that has been remixed into a bunch of famous songs on Youtube. I think my favourite is Gonna Make You Sweat by C+C Music Factory.

The rake was also used as evidence after spineless Ken tried to take me to court after the beating I gave him, but I got it back after the judge threw out the case. He said Ken deserved what he got and the five-hundred and fifty-six thousand likes the Youtube video got attest to that, which is kind of crazy in a law & order sense, since I hurt him pretty severely (he was off work for a few weeks and had to get skin graft from his ass to his face––which is fitting), but awesome for me. So if anything, going through the legal system successfully should add more value to the rake! Haha.

So yeah, fall is here and if you need a good, solid, justice wielding rake, this one is for you!

vancouver, BC > vancouver > for sale > farm+garden

Portrait by Andrea Hooge for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

ISO Salvation

If anything, I’m a realist. My 76 year-old self isn’t going to be around much longer, much to the delight of at least one of my children. My mother gave into Alzheimer’s at 72 and my sisters didn’t make it past 70, thanks to a car accident and breast cancer, respectively. So really, whether or not I make it another 365 days or two-days is a total crapshoot. This is why I’d like to find someone with the religious credentials to baptize me before I step off of this earthly plane. If you’re a non-believer and wondering how I can be a realist and still feel the need to take part in a religious ceremony, I understand how that might seem like hypocritical, but it isn’t. A realist hedges their bets and prepares for all outcomes. Do I necessarily believe in the almighty? Not particularly, but I’d like to have a ticket to the party even if I don’t know where it is yet.

As a child my family went to a small Evangelical church, so if anyone has a history with that denomination that would be preferred. I was thinking Chilliwack lake would be a nice location for the baptism itself. The way the mountains fold around the water like giant, tree-lined fingers must be some sort of allegory for the glory of God; which if he/ she exists, would probably appreciate. I do have a car but my eyes aren’t what they used to be, so if you have a driver’s license that would be a plus. If this is something you’re interested in please let me know. I can’t offer much in return; a little money and a home cooked meal afterwards, but if I do end up in the arms of the Heavenly Father/Mother after passing over, I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > personals > strictly platonic

Portrait by Katie So for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

FREE COSMETIC SURGERY!!!

CRITERIA FOR APPLICANTS:

  1. You’re generally fit.
  2. You live alone.
  3. You’re not a crazy person or a Mormon or anything like that.
  4. You’re willing to entertain a surgical procedure that will essentially make you into the image of my deceased mother. It should be noted that my mother was an incredibly beautiful woman, think Robin Wright circa Forrest Gump, but with even higher cheekbones.
  5. You’d be cool with developing a relationship with the “funder.” That relationship would include things like:
    • an evening phone call once a week where I tell you about the goings-on in my life and you hold a meaningful conversation and offer words of support when needed. (You are not afraid to be blunt but still retain a certain warmth while doing so)
    • a monthly dinner where you come over to my apartment, cook me a (vegan) meal (I’ll pay for groceries), and then we watch TV while you scratch my back.
    • after dinner you read to me from a fantasy/sci-fi novel of my choice before tucking me in, sending me off into the ever-changing seascape of slumber with a kiss on the forehead.
  6. You have a background in college-level athletics, preferably volleyball, and you often speak of the times you spent going to tournaments with your “girls,” on occasion referencing wild nights you would have while traveling with your team, stopping short of sharing any juicy details by saying “but that was another time, another me.” and winking at me cheekily.
  7. You’re lactose intolerant.

SERIOUS APPLICANTS ONLY, PLEASE!!

vancouver, BC > vancouver > personals > misc romance

Portrait by Derrick Fast for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Stolen Bike – Sept 15th

They unscrewed the No Parking sign from its little metal base in the ground, lifted it up and out of its hole and through the chain lock that hung impotently from my bike, and stole it. I know this because they left the signpost laying in the dirt and the screw in the gutter. The morning I found out my bike had been stolen I just stood there trying to make sense of everything. The post in the dirt. The screw in the gutter. My bike, gone. That’s when you came up the street and fit all of the pieces together. “Bike stolen, huh? That’s the shits.” Your Pomeranian on its flashy red leash nodded solemnly in agreement.

The first thing you suggested was going down to Hastings street. That’s where most missing bikes end up, you told me. You offered to take me down there, which was unexpected. It was Saturday, I was hungover and upset, you had the day off, so I agreed. The three of us puttered down Main St. in your little Corolla and parked at what you said was a “safe distance.” We started where Main splits Hastings and worked our way West. Douglas, the Pomeranian, skittered around the sidewalk, smelling at the feet and the wares that the homeless people lining the buildings were selling. Douglas yelped as you tugged hard on his lead. “Can’t let him get too close, who knows what sort of shit these people are carrying.”

It didn’t take long to find it. The chain-lock had been snipped off but there it was, leaning against a wall, a few t-shirts draped off of it like a clothing rack. I whispered that we’d found it and you turned red. Motherfuckers you called them as you walked up, kicking over the old VHS tapes and long extinct electronics laid out purposefully on a ratty blanket. “It’s not an option, we’re taking the bike back you thieving fucks,” you declared. A weathered middle-aged man stood up and you told him to sit his ass down. You took the bike, tossed the shirts that had been hanging from it in the man’s face, and wheeled it over to me triumphantly. As we walked back to your car you asked if I wanted to get something to eat. I looked at you, searching for something, anything in your eyes.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > personals > missed connections

Portrait by Chelsea O’Byrne for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Sexorcist

We met at that rave thing under the bridge. Not even really sure how me and my friends ended up there. We were at a pretty cool rooftop party in Gastown that had a solid DJ (and even snacks!) before that. I didn’t want to go to the bridge rave thing but L (I’m sure you remember her, she kept saying “blessings from Beyonce” at the end of every goddamn sentence.) made us all vote and I lost. So we get under the bridge and the first person I see is you. You looked like I felt, which is why I stood beside you while that weird trip-hop DJ shook his big ol’ dreadlocks around with the beat.

To make a short story shorter, we started talking, you made that joke about your friend’s love of head cheese, which I needed you to explain and is absolutely disgusting, and we ended up back at my place. We didn’t exchange names or numbers and I almost forget what you look like except for one thing: while we were fucking your eyes kept rolling back in your head, which was totally weird, but what was weirder still is that I remember seeing my reflection in the whites of your eyes as you Linda Blair’d out on top of me. Anyways, I thought you were pretty cool, if you see this get at me, I’d be more than happy to be your Father Karras again.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > housing > apts/housing for rent

Portrait by Dylan Homer for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Commercial Drive Bachelor suite sublet, 3rd floor, brightly lit, occasional lava – $789

Available Dec. 1st, this fully furnished bachelor apartment is a steal! With high ceilings, a skylight, bathroom with comfy clawfoot tub, spacious bed nook, balcony and ample closet space, there isn’t a better deal on The Drive! Traffic can get a little loud during rush hour and occasionally the floor becomes lava, but that’s it. All of the amenities are mere steps away! Donald’s Market is a block down the street and you can see the Skytrain from the balcony! Plus, the building is pet friendly! Although, that does make things a little tricky with the lava. It would be a bummer if Sparkles were swallowed by the molten soup that the floor turns into every once and a while!

That being said, the apartment does come fully furnished and I’ve set the furniture up in such a way that when the floor becomes lava, you can easily jump from couch to coffee table to office chair, etc. to reach all areas of the apartment without being reduced to ash. The whole floor lava thing usually doesn’t last too long anyways, maybe 15-20 minutes or until your mom tells you to stop or you get bored, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

This sublet would be from December 1st-May 1st, please let me know if you’re interested or have any questions about the lava.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > housing > apts/housing for rent

Portrait by Coreena Lewis for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Table 4 Dog

Since I was a really little kid I always wanted a dog. I remember my friend Jesse’s family had a golden retriever named Toby. Toby used to do this thing were he’d make this high pitched squealing sound when he’d see you cause he’d get so excited, you know? His butt would start wiggling back and forth and he’d start slipping all over the hardwood as he ran at you. I loved that dog. My family didn’t really have any pets growing up. There was the time when uncle Dave got sick and didn’t want to go to the hospital to die so my mom set him up in the spare room as a kinda hospice thing. Nurses used to come in and check all the machines attached to him and change his bedpan and all that, but in between when the nurses weren’t there, mom would make us bring uncle Dave food and talk to uncle Dave and play cards with uncle Dave. We didn’t always want to do that so it was kind of like one of those pet chores, like taking a dog for a walk. Except a dog wouldn’t call you an ungrateful little shit cause you wouldn’t sneak him a few of mom’s smokes.

So I have this table. It’s this really nice dining room table. Mahogany. An almond finish. It’s actually an heirloom. It was my great grandpa’s then my grandpa’s then my uncle Dave’s. After uncle Dave died my mom got it, cause besides me, she was the last Waldman in Lake Land County. When mom died last year I got the table. I don’t want the table. I have a table. A pretty nice table, actually. I want a dog. I’ve always wanted a dog. If anyone has a dog or puppy they’d like to trade me for this beautiful dining room table please let me know.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > for sale > barter

Portrait by Mia Dungeon for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Do you like to be Insurance Broker?

Do you have dreams? Do you want to achieve those dreams? Is your dream to be Insurance Broker? Is your dream to make lots and lots of money while helping ppl at same time? Good. I can help you pass Insurance Brokerage exam, no problem. With years and years of Insurance Brokerage experience I am the right person to help you pass the Insurance Brokerage exam. I’ve helped clients with life, car, health, house, business, boat, etc. insurance and they are all 100% happy with the great job I’ve done for them. I once helped artist get coverage for a great big fantastic art piece of a man in suit whose head was large detailed head of penis! I joked asking if I was inspiration and he laughed. I’m also funny sense of humour! Great quality in a teacher!

If you want to have great, funny, rewarding ($$$) experiences like my own then email me about lessons on how to pass Insurance Brokerage exam. We can meet in cafe, park, or even my place if you are not allergic to cats. You can also help insure pets! Follow your dreams. Email now!

vancouver, BC > vancouver > services > lessons

Portrait by Andrew Pommier for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

Everywhere you are that isn’t here.

I saw you briefly on Tinder. Your hair was red and skin pale and you looked into the camera like it was an old friend you were putting up with only because of your shared history. I wanted to match with you so badly that I “super liked” you, which in retrospect I now realize was a mistake. There’s no better way to scare off a potential romantic interest than by letting them know to what degree you are interested in them, in this case a “super” degree. We never matched. Then I saw you on OKCupid. Those same photos, that same cool brand of indifference in the shot of you wearing the sunglasses with the one lens missing, the single emerald green hoop of your eye somehow finding more definition on its own. Your profile told me you hadn’t logged-in in over a year. Over the next few weeks I’d get a glimpse of you on Bumble, Happn, and I think even in a Yelp comment section. I started Christian Mingle and J-Date accounts just in case. I scoured Farmer’s Only because by your photos you really seemed to like the outdoors. Nothing. I just can’t seem to hack my way through the thick jungle of the Internet long enough to reach out before the overgrowth swallows you again. Hopefully you’ll see this, and it’s possible after all of my searching you’ll just look at me the same way you look at the camera, but maybe not.

vancouver, BC > vancouver > personals > missed connections

Portrait by Brandon Cotter for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters

License Plate Trade, NSA

Hey guys, just a little backstory before I get into it. So my GF is really into collecting old license plates and she wants to, at some point, have license plates from all 10 provinces, 3 territories, and all 50 states (in America, obvs). Right now she has plates from B.C, Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec (no offence, but the poutine is better here!), N.S, Newfoundland/Labrador, the Yukon (found in a 2nd hand store in Washington!!), N.W.T, Washington (found in same store we got the Yukon plate!), Oregon, California, Nevada, Hawaii (best vacation ever!), Arizona, Utah, Montana, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas (the plates are the same size there as everywhere else, so much for everything being bigger in Texas. Harhar.), Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota (totally went to Fargo! Great film.), Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee (did a trade at a gas station for an iPhone charger!), Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio (how can you not love Lebron!?), Pennsylvania, Michigan, Vermont (Bernie bro!), New York (went and watched the Knicks lose 🙁 ), New Jersey, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Maryland (is it true it’s named after Mary Magdalen?), Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida.

The ones she’s missing are Saskatchewan, New Brunswick, P.E.I (probably because she doesn’t like potatoes! Ha!), Nunavut, Alaska, Idaho, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Illinois, Wisconsin, Maine, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Delaware. I really want to get them for her to help finish her collection, not just because I’m the best BF (harhar), but I think if I do this for her she’ll really, really, appreciate it and see how devoted I am to her and how much I really, truly love her. (Sorry for getting so sappy, blergh) And to be honest, I want her to see how fully devoted I am to her so I can finally pop the question(!!!!). The only thing is, I’m flat-ass broke at the moment, so if you happen to have one of the missing plates I’d like to propose a trade! 😉 Hit me up, I’m game for anything, NSA. Let’s just say I’m doing this all in the name of love. <3

vancouver, BC > vancouver > personals > misc romance 

Portrait by Tylor Macmillan for Portraits of Brief, Casual Encounters