When you unfolded the instruction manual on how to take a stool sample I couldn’t help but take note of how similar it looked to the instructions from my IKEA bookshelf. Instead of an Allen key there was a small container of blue fluid and a stick. I wondered if you ever laughed or cracked jokes while giving this presentation. By the look on your face now you’d either told or heard them all. I asked if the test would work if my turd didn’t look exactly like the one in the picture; its smooth, equidistant curves making bowel movements everywhere look bad. You shook your head.