Initially I thought he was slurring the word “Camel,” like maybe he wanted a cigarette and decided to proposition all in attendance, but after being asked by the comedian on stage to repeat himself several times the words finally came out; fully enunciated and surprisingly clear, like a patio door to a black bird:

“Cameo, lemme do a cameo.” That’s when he approached the stage and the comedian, seemingly in awe of his stupidity, handed him the microphone.

Then began a rambling flop of a joke that had no beginning or destination, just a clump of words falling from his drunken, blathering lips. Eventually his face froze as if it had short-circuited. He had hit a wall. A Tim Allen-esque grunt voided his body like the bowels of the recently deceased. He returned the mic and wobbled over to his table while the comedian jumped back into her set while grappling with the incredulity of what had just happened.

When the host took the stage he made the very important observation that the cameo comedian bore a striking resemblance to Draco Malfoy. As Draco loudly appealed to those who were cursed with sitting near him the reasoning behind his interruption (“…things felt tense, I wus jus’ tryin’ to lighten the mood.”) I took out my phone and Googled “spell from Harry Potter that makes people shut the fuck up.”