Celebration of Life

I fell down the hole. It hap­pens. You go in with the inten­tion of send­ing a quick Facebook message, then forty-five min­utes later you’re still on the inter­net and you’ve ordered all eleven seasons of M*A*S*H on VHS from Ama­zon and you don’t even have a VCR. This time I was catch­ing up on the news when I read about Harper’s Fair Elec­tions Act. That nat­u­rally lead me to Googling assisted sui­cide and funeral chapels––you want to have all of your bases covered.

Even­tu­ally I found my way to the web­site of a funeral chapel in Prince George, BC. It was under the umbrella of Dig­nity Memo­r­ial, who, with over 2,000 loca­tions, dole out fran­chises like McDonalds but with live­lier atmos­pheres. The name of this par­tic­u­lar fran­chise was Assman’s Funeral Chapel, because you can’t spell Dig­nity with­out A-S-S.

Imma­ture delight aside, I’m all for the name. If when I die my fam­ily decides to have a memo­r­ial service instead of tak­ing my ashes to Dis­ney­land and throw­ing them into the air on the final descent of Splash Moun­tain like my will dic­tates, then take my body up north. The only per­son I want embalm­ing me is Assman.