Besides the violation of privacy, potential loss of income, destruction of digital property, and the possibility of my personal information being stolen for nefarious purposes; having my websites hacked was actually kind of interesting. There was now a legitimate antagonist in my life––a demon to excise. I was strangely excited by the challenge. I felt like the lowly knight’s apprentice, taking up the sword in order to avenge the brutal slaying of his master/FTP files. But that was just part of the intrigue. When Googling my sites I found their descriptions had been changed into a slurry of mismatched porn buzzwords that made no attempt at becoming arousing copy.

“Muscled Dog Dick Anal Cum Asian Lesbian Trumpet Misogyny.” Like a tick, the malware had buried itself into the code and my site was now suffering, unlike those with lyme disease, hilariously. This hack’s effort at titillation and SEO keyword placement had become crude beat poetry and I loved it. I couldn’t help but reread the descriptions again and again, the words popping, snapping, and stopping short with a stunted cadence as I aped Ginsberg’s generation: “Skinny Interracial Marvel Comics Pussy Orgy.”