The Charlie Daniels Band has been spreading misinformation for nearly four decades. In their seminal 1979 hit, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” Charlie tells the story of Johnny, a talented young fiddler who is challenged to a fiddling contest by the eponymous Devil himself. The stakes of the contest are high; if Johnny wins he gets a golden fiddle, if he loses the Devil gets his soul––a dangerous wager depending on whatever your religious belief systems are. After spirited showcases from both musicians it is clear that Johnny is the victor. The Devil presents him with the golden fiddle and the song ends in a flourish of bows across strings.

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was track thirteen on disc one of the double disc collection Harley Davidson’s Road Songs, a CD which I’d stolen from my father and listened to on my Discman countless times as a child. From listening to that song I learned that the Devil was certainly a dick, but he was at least a dick of his word. Which is why after serious and difficult reflection on my mortality and life beyond the veil, my ten-year old self made a deal with Lucifer: for my soul, he would grant me the ability to have sex with Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. Not Angelina Jolie from the film adaptations, but the hyper sexualized mound of pixels from the video game itself. Specifically Tomb Raider II.

However, the closest I would ever get to her heaving digital breasts was the TV screen. I was duped. Satan was not a dick of his word and he now owns my soul because of Charlie goddamn Daniels’ lies.